The Window of Tolerance: Addiction and Codependency
Recovery from addiction and codependency often feels like a journey through intense emotional landscapes. Anxiety, shame, guilt, and cravings can overwhelm us, while numbing or withdrawal can leave us disconnected from ourselves and others. Understanding the Window of Tolerance — the range of emotional arousal in which we can function effectively — can be a transformative tool for healing.
What Is the Window of Tolerance?
The Window of Tolerance, developed by Dr. Dan Siegel, describes the zone where our nervous system is balanced enough to process emotions, make decisions, and connect with others.
Inside the window: We can think clearly, respond rather than react, and tolerate stress without losing control.
Outside the window: The nervous system shifts into survival mode:
Hyperarousal: Anxiety, panic, irritability, racing thoughts, or agitation.
Hypoarousal: Numbness, emotional shutdown, disconnection, or fatigue.
In my own journey, both states were familiar. Hyperarousal showed up as constant worry, restlessness, or the urge to control everything. Hypoarousal felt like emotional flatness, isolation, and disconnection from life. I now recognize that these states were signals from my nervous system, not personal failure.
Addiction, Codependency, and Regulation
Both addiction and codependency are often attempts to manage being outside the window of tolerance.
Addiction provides temporary relief from overwhelming feelings. Alcohol, drugs, or compulsive behaviours may numb anxiety, shame, or emotional pain — giving a false sense of calm. Over time, this “shortcut” reduces the nervous system’s natural capacity to self-regulate.
Codependency creates temporary stability in relationships. People-pleasing, rescuing, or over-functioning feels like control and safety, but it often keeps you in hyperarousal, anxious about rejection, or in hypoarousal, disconnected from your own feelings.
For me, alcohol and codependent patterns were two sides of the same coin — both strategies to survive emotions I didn’t yet have tools to tolerate. Neither truly worked, and both were exhausting.
Healing: Expanding the Window of Tolerance
Recovery is about widening the window — increasing the ability to stay present with emotions, cravings, and relational stress without numbing, over-functioning, or shutting down.
Some ways to support this include:
Therapy or coaching: Trauma-informed support helps identify triggers and teaches regulation skills.
Community and peer support: Safe groups provide co-regulation and the reassurance that you are not alone.
Mind-body practices: Grounding, breathwork, mindfulness, yoga, or movement help reconnect body and mind.
Self-compassion and pacing: Recovery is not linear. Noticing old patterns without judgment strengthens the window over time.
I remember the first time I said “no” or rode a craving without giving in — it felt revolutionary. Slowly, my nervous system learned it could tolerate discomfort and still come back to balance.
Why It Matters
Recognizing your window of tolerance changes the way you approach both addiction and codependency. It allows you to:
Respond rather than react in relationships
Tolerate cravings, anxiety, or emotional pain without self-medicating
Rebuild natural emotional resilience
Strengthen connections with self and others
Recovery is not about avoiding discomfort — it’s about learning to be present with it, creating a life where you can feel, respond, and thrive.
Addiction and codependency are often strategies to manage an overwhelmed nervous system. Healing comes from expanding the window of tolerance — through self-awareness, connection, regulation skills, and compassion — so you can navigate life with clarity, calm, and authentic presence.
